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It's moments like this one right here that recharge my battery.

I'm sitting barefoot on the deck of the family cottage in New York. I have a giant glass of milk, a belly full of oatmeal and a cup of milky tea. It's 8am, no one else is awake yet. It's quiet except for the sound of small waves lapping the rocky shore and birds chirping. Every once in a while a boat with a fisherman, and sometimes a dog companion, will float by and we exchange a wave. Ducks swim past in groups, with a little honking from momma duck, directed at her wandering baby.

I wait all year for this place and this moment. This time I waited 2 years. Not doing that ever again.

Amadou & Tracy

Photographing a wedding while 6 months pregnant isn't as hard as it sounds. All I really felt was hip pain by the end of the night, but it wasn't really that bad. It was funny when the bride would yell at me every time I'd climb up on a chair to get a better angle.

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I gotta say though, this wedding had the most challenging backgrounds ever - or lack thereof. The hotel was just very BLA (what else would a hotel be?) and it was about 90 outside so outside shots weren't an option. The "tent" at least had some faux windows which worked ok, even though they were wrinkly plastic things.

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Speaking of outside, I went outside by myself for these pictures and I was only out there for about 5 minutes and I felt like I might die. Seriously, this was Illinois, not Florida. What the hell?

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The past few days I've noticed a bird gets pretty damn close to my head when I get to the corner on my walk with moose. Today the damn thing breezed by my head so close I felt the wind from its wings. I stopped and watched it for a minute and it was circling around, coming back low over us every time. I figured we were walking by a tree with it's nest in it but it never stopped on any tree. We walked back home and I got Dave. I had to show someone (my life is boring, remember?)

So we walked out of the house and I said, "There it is, see? Ont he mailbox like 2 houses down." ok so we watched and same damn thing happened, as we got closer, it flew so close to us, Dave could have reached up and grabbed this bird. Dave pointed out the mailbox it had been sitting on was covered in bird shit. I then realized that's the mailbox Moose likes to piss on. As we stood there ducking out of the way of the bird over and over, laughing, I noticed grass sticking out of the back of the wooden newspaper slot on the mailbox. So mystery solved. Moose picked the one box in the neighborhood with birds in it to piss on twice a day.

But my question is - do these people ever get their mail? What about the mailman? Because I'd think they'd get seriously attacked if they got right next to the mailbox.

See? This is the shit that amuses me now that I have no life. Birds nesting in mailboxes.

Moose alarm

So I've discovered that Moose has a really oddball way of letting me know he has to go outside. He doesn't get antsy or whine or hang out by the door like normal dogs. He stares at me. He sits in front of me and gives me his saggy sad eyes and STARES at me. He doesn't even blink.

I love that dog but I have to admit, it's kinda creepy.

Jun. 19th, 2010

 
 

 

I know it's very uninventive of me to post some email but seriously, this made me laugh so hard.
 

 

 


In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.  The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.  It's funny, as well as informative: 


  Dear Dr. Laura: 


  Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.  I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.  When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate. 


  I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.


  1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.  A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians.  Can you clarify?  Why can't I own Canadians? 
  
 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.  In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 
  
 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24.  The problem is how do I tell?  I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 
  
 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9.  The problem is my neighbors.  They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.  Should I smite them?
  
 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath.  Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death.  Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 
  
 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.  I don't agree.  Can you settle this?  Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 
  
 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.  I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.  Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 
  
 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27.  How should they die? 
  
 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 
  
 10. My uncle has a farm.  He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).  He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.  Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.  Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) 
  
 I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. 
  
 Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. 
  
Your adoring fan. 


 James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

              (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian :)

The boring life of Colleenabean

All the days runs together. I don't have any sense of what day it is because every day feels like a Saturday. Last year I would have killed for this life but few people find doing NOTHING for weeks on end to be very fulfilling. I try to fill my day with stuff but there's not to enough to do. I've looked into volunteering but lots of the places that could use me are located in the city, about 30 minutes away and I'm sorry, when
I'm not earning any money, I don't want to spend that much money on gas just to volunteer. The closest place is a human society and they want me to pay them $15 to volunteer. For a tshirt. There's just something kind of crazy about that....I can't bring myself to do it.

Getting the dog has helped. I drive him to the dog park, which is only about 3 minutes away. The only down side is Mr Stubborn lab doesn't like to jump into the car so I have to lift him. Not all 90 pounds of him but I do have to "assist" his lazy ass. I am pretty close to breaking down and building a ramp, I just worry he won't use it. Anyway he's super cute. He thinks he's a small dog though, he always tries to climb into my lap like this:



He's so cute.

The worse thing I deal with is clothes - which is really a stupid problem to have. Up until today I only had 2 pairs of shorts I could wear. One isn't even really shorts, it's like capri pants. The other pair are shorts. Both have the big stretchy panel which is actually AWESOME. I've been dealing with just washing the one pair while I wear the other but that gets old fast. Especially when it's 90 degrees for days on end, the capri pants aren't comfortable in this heat. So I'm down to ONE pair of shorts. I've actually sat in Dave's boxer shorts on the couch waiting for those shorts to wash and dry several times. I felt bad spending money today but I broke down and bought 2 pairs of shorts. I finally found a place (macy's) that has more than 1 rack of maternity clothing and it's not shoved next to the plus size section. There were like 10 or 15 racks of clothes, even a whole rack of clearance items! Oh my god!

I had the thought while I was there that it is good I'm not working in an office or something right now because I'd have to spend so much money on clothing. I pretty much wear the same thing over and over and over but it doesn't matter because no one (including my husband) sees me every day.

I keep expanding. I know I'm supposed to but it's still unsettling to see myself in the mirror. I've started to notice I go through a cycle of extreme fatigue followed by a fast expansion of my belly. Repeat. The baby kicks me a lot now but it's not hard, more like taps - which let me tell you is WEIRD!!!! It's sitting right on my bladder so I have to go all the damn time. ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it kicks my bladder and I almost piss myself.

Seriously it's weird that some thing is growing inside me. It's just like alien.

http://lowercasemarcus.com/blog/images/RipleyAlien.jpg
I have an interview tomorrow but I really don't even want the job. It's a small business and I really don't feel comfortable screwing over a small business by saying "Oh hey guess what I'm pregnant and I'm bailing on you in October, thanks for hiring me." WHY did I even apply? And why is THAT the one job that's coming through for me!?!?!?

I've applied with some temp agencies too. I'm just so bored.

I've invested in some pregnancy shirts. They are not as unflattering as I thought they might be. Though they always stock them by the fat lady clothes section, which is just mean.

I have trouble sleeping at night because of:
A) nightmares about childbirth
B) rolling onto my stomach and it waking me up
C) the need to pee every 3 hours

I make it to the gym 5 days a week now though. It feels pretty good too. Swimming kicks my butt - but man it's so fun.

My cousin is coming to visit in a few weeks with her 3 month old son. I'm excited to have a visitor and I really hope Dave is here (He's been traveling a lot) so he can witness baby stuff. He's never been around babies and I think being around a baby helped my cousin Nick prepare for his own kid. Babies are scary creatures, I don't blame anyone for being weirded out by them. They scream and poop and seem like they might break in half. 

Also I'm sick of fearing childbirth. I KNEW I'd spend my entire pregnancy with that nagging thought of "this thing's gotta rip its way out eventually" in the back of my head for 9 months. Kinda like when you're a kid and you are on summer break and it's fun but you know you have to go back to school soon, and you try not to think about it but it's always there. It's like that, except far more dreadful. And women say - "Oh but you get this wonderful bundle of joy at the end"...as if I didn't know that... that doesn't help calm me AT ALL.

Lastly, we get to go house hunting tomorrow with or new Realtor. Exciting stuff.

Apr. 22nd, 2010

If I think about what I was doing at this time last year...let's see. I was working full time, taking some of the most labor intensive classes at school and drowning in work after just moving from my begbug infested apartment building and suing my landlords to live with Dave where I had only 5% of my belongings with me and lived life with very little time for sleep...all while planning a wedding. I hardly had time to do laundry.

And now?

I have no job, I spend my days doing errands, working out or in stores where I don't intend to buy anything, I just need the entertainment that someplace besides the inside of my house provides. I do laundry now to keep myself busy. Most recently, I've started applying for jobs at retail places and grocery stores just because I'd rather work with the general public than be so bored all day long. I get excited when Dave asks me to run errands for him.

If I don't find a part time job doing mindless work soon, I'll be going on interviews with a big pregnant belly and (yes, yes I know the laws) they won't hire pregnant ladies. Hell, I wouldn't want to hire a pregnant lady!

I thought of all this as I washed my SUV in the driveway in our suburb while the neighbor talked to me about her bad day at work.

Apr. 13th, 2010

Not much going on here as usual. I'm feeling better these days, not as sick all the damn time. We keep looking at houses, though I'm not sure we're any closer. I think that red house I love isn't getting any hits because the lady keeps emailing me so I'm not worried about it suddenly being snatched up. If it's meant to be it'll still be there when we're done looking.

My website's done, though I'm still tweaking things on it. I know I should post my rates or at least a range on there somewhere but to be honest, I'm not sure exactly what my rates are yet. haha. Photography goes for a lot less than Chicago here so I'm a bit confused as to how to price myself. I've gotten 2 requests for weddings - both in September. I can't take any weddings the last couple of months of this pregnancy so that blows. I hate turning down work when I so desperately need it.

I've thought about looking for a boring receptionist job or something just so I have something to do during the day. I have sent out so many resumes for graphics jobs but NOTHING. So I wait. I'd hate to be stuck in an office again but it'd only be temporary. But still...I'd kinda rather have my toenails torn out one by one than go back to admin work.

I've actually lost weight again, which is weird. I had a bit of a baby belly for a week there but now it's back to flat. Weird. I'm not eating any differently. So I don't get it.
We looked at a house a couple weeks ago then went to see it again with some friends who own homes and are handy so they knew what to look for - defect wise. It's a turn of the century home so it's really old, but they've dumped a bunch of money into it and it's got a lot of upgrades.  I dunno...it's a great house in a great neighborhood but it's really stupid to buy the first house we look at.

So today we're looking at another one. Same neighborhood, another 100+ year old house. This one isn't as fixed up and it's bigger, also it's listed for more. The listing prices are such BS. I think people just pull numbers out of their asses.

There's 2 more in that neighborhood we could look at too...later on. I really love the neighborhood though.  There's lot of stuff within walking distance in a nice little downtown square, bars, restaurants, shopping. I miss being able to walk somewhere. I am a sucker for brick paved streets too. This cookie cutter brand spankin' new housing development we're in right now SUCKS. It's so boring. I feel like Fred Flinstone when I take a walk...the background just repeats over and over and over.

I'm also sick of not working. I can't wait to get some freelance work so I have something to do all day. I don't know how housewives do this crap.